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I just took a little break from work, jumped in the car with the windows down. Gawd, I love this time of year. Gliding through the darkness with the lowbeams illuminating the tarmac, and the occasional pair of reflected eyeballs. Some central African rhythms mimicking my heartbeat, silvery guitar runs caressing my brain... such a pleasant temporary escape. From this crashing cyberhell. This ol' mac has got some issues, and is trying to burden me with them. I'm not being very understanding. Surprisingly, I'm not suffering terribly from the bumps and impacts of yesterday as badly as expected. Of course, my elbow and knees are changing colour, hourly. Small price to pay, considering I'm not so terribly far away from the "I've fallen, and I can't get up" situation. No broken hip, at least. Must thank the ancestors for the big bones. Preoccupied, tonight, with Thursday... the tenth anniversary of matrimony. I could not be more ambivalent, which is making me uneasy. For all of the icy atmosphere of the past year or so, I'm convinced that Miss Jane is expecting me to roll out the red carpet. Would it be hippocracy to do so? Do I swallow my pride and do the right thing? Is it better to pretend that all is wonderful and continuing? My head is pounding. It's making the creative spark dimmer and dimmer. Difficult to pour emotion and inspiration into a hole where there is no longer light. But that's me. My cross to bear. Meanwhile, a lot of my favorite diaries are locked away, temporarily. Like my friends have moved away. People must be getting strange, out there. Vindictive... vengeful... forgetting the personal nature of the whole deal. After all, being invited to look into someone else's expression and experience is a gift granted, no matter how "public" the concept. People can be such assholes. Not the good kind, either. In another hour or so, I'll be back in the car. The first thing I do is take my shoes off. Then I'll know that I'm free. For a little while. |
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