16 February, 2005
lithium flower

First of all, i'd never intended for this to turn into a "hiatus". it's not like the restless wind of words had ever turned off in my skull... on the contrary, there have been times in the past couple of weeks that i wished i could flip whatever mental switch is in control to make them stop colliding like rush hour traffic.

No, it's been more of a seasonal affect than i really care to mention. but will, anyway.

the birthday with the arresting number of nonexistent candles. that was bad enough. but, this is also the time of yet worse anniversaries, MCed by the Reaper: brother, grandmother, pets. sometimes, some years, these days pass unnoticed. not so, recently.

yesterday, in particular. i'd given no conscious thought to that night, also at work, when one of my rare phone calls was from the funeral director... a call that i was expecting, yet dreading, when my brother took up the gun and ended his chronic illness, putting into motion this latest phase of my life. the phase that brought his girlfriend into my house, permanently... that began with hope and possibility, and has since mutated into recrimination and deterioration.

these are themes that have been repeated, in one way or another, since this journal began. the further repetition has been another factor that has repelled me from retelling, yet again.
but, today i acknowledge and move on. because, if i do not, my head will surely crack open like an egg with something ugly trying to get out.
and it has been rather ugly, of late.

case in point: i was just one more snide comment away from either cold-cocking an administrator, or just gathering my belongings and walking out, last night.
there's no doubt in my head that i'm not the only one inflicted, and not just in this location, of suffering the greed and callousness of the workplace. perhaps it is just my perception, but Those In Power have committee-d themselves into a frenzy of Profit, which for all intent and purposes bears close association to the Inquisition.
surrounded by their flowsheets and powerpoint and catered snacks, the news of positive Value Added has begun the newest scourge of number skewing... and if jettisoning employees and their momentum-slowing salaries sweetens the Profit, then So Be It.

jesus, i'm jailed by Ferengis. or maybe, those monkeys from the WizardOfOz. RulesOfAquisition, or witchcraft, it's still the same thing.

and, were it not for a legal companion who has declared that she won't work again, my narrow ass would be history. the recent comment that she "Will Make Me Pay" is especially poignant.

oh, yes, i am "Paying".

well, i need to purge the StarTrek references (yes, your honor, i have owned a StarTrek calendar... in 1978!). my escape has been in anime, lately, anyway. GhostInTheShell. Metropolis. Saikano. SamuraiChamploo. Akira. MegaTokyo. Scryed. for all of the escapism, it's just made me want to draw-draw-draw. and that can't be a bad thing. to make my hands and mind work in concert, before arthritis and depression wipe them out... well, that's my ticket to sanity. because awakening everyday, and wondering how to accelerate the hours 'til sleep, again, is no way to live.

and, there are pluses to consider. this day begins, warmer than it should. i leave the greedy behind, in a matter of hours. there's a firebrand in the DNC... maybe, people will awake and see that they have become sheep, or like the seagulls in FindingNemo whose only words are "Mine? Mine? Mine? Mine?"

so... perhaps i've popped the cork, poured out the poison, and can move on to more positive things.

wishful thinking.

it beats the other kind.

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