08 June, 2005
denouement

maybe the primary reason that i still possess a rudimentary belief in something that runs the show, here on this ball of confusion, is how events never seem as random as they would without some kind of influence.
i could be all coincidence, or simply the reaction of personal chemistry or aura or what-the-fuck on immediate surroundings, but this i hold to be astonishingly accurate:
when the time has arrived for all things to blossom or turn to shit , they do so with arresting vigor... and, all at once. for some reason, i can't see that as indicative of chaos. maybe not "Inte11igentDesign" (and i run these words together to thwart the GodSquad from launching HolyJihad on my questioning ass). events, be they good or be they bad, are relative to the judgement of the beholder. the frequency or the longevity of said acts... i feel like there might be strings being pulled, every so often.

this is the civilized, non-weepy was of saying, "life is a shit sandwich, and every day i seem to be taking another bite."

that's been my take of life in general, of late:

...fighting with privileged assholes over things that don't belong to them... prevailing when they box themselves into a corner.

...assumptions from people that don't know me.

...dramatic automotive cataclysms.

...people who commission artwork, with amorphous instructions, that refuse my efforts when what's on the paper doesn't fit their preconceived mental images--even after hours of work... and what they now say they wanted is completely different from the original instructions.

...and, my wife telling me, after the fact, that she hasn't got any money.

all of this crap, at the same time, makes me wonder is someone isn'tpulling the strings. that there might be some grand orchestration of events for the amusement of the sadistic puppeteer.

but, astonishingly, i can forget all this when i can communicate with a kindred soul.

it's like cutting the strings. or changing the course.

it would be helpful.

my brain's about to explode.

.