09 December, 2005
i'd like to rest my heavy head tonight, on a bed of California Stars

were it not for the rhythmic tap of water dropping on the windowsill behind me, there would be no clue to what's going on in the blackness beyond. but i know, alright. since the mercury never rose above freezing, all day, there's a glaze forming out there... bending trees, weighing down the power lines, masking everything in a glassy cocoon.

this is not really good news. if the electricity cuts, this is going to be one cold motherfucker in here... and what i'm tapping onto this keyboard is going to vaporize.

it's been hell to get this much committed to words, despite the fact that i could write novels about goings-on in days past. maybe it's attention deficit... or exhaustion... or the pressure dropping with the needle of the barometer.

nope. it's probably entropy. things falling apart... which is about the best word to describe the past few months, and days.

if bellyaching were an Olympic sport, i'd be going for the gold. since astrology or astronomy seem to be just as plausible as anything religion has to offer, lately, there must be some more of that Mercury retrograde shit happening. not just in the thermometer, either.

the most recent spate of deterioration began on Sunday, when the tumbler in the dryer began banging a hole in the side of the housing. i'd taken the noise for granted while i was battening down the hatches outdoors, before the snow arrived.

which it did, fiercely, on Monday. car packed and gassed, it howled down as i began the trip north. sunglasses perched on my nose to cut the glare, and to look for the tell-tale ruts of tire tracks on the pavement--my cue to do a 180 and head back to where i didn't want to leave from, to begin with. that didn't happen until much later, when the time came to leave work... the highway like a big brine-flavored slurpee.

the next evening, the drama unfolded with the ever-dimming headlights, and the turn signals making the radio cut on-and-off... the battery expiring as i rolled into the parking space.
unable to sleep peacefully, i was awake before the alarm on Wednesday. with one cup of coffee and two cigarettes as fuel, i made the decision to diagnose the malady before giving up and calling in a mechanic... a loose alternator instead worse possibilities. it was galling to request a battery-boost from a gas station, but much better than the alternative i was expecting.

pains-in-the-ass, all... but at least not potentially lethal.

that would be later that night.

i put all of that behind me, as the lights of Dulles disappeared in the rearview. lights bright, music flowing, tires singing, pendulum swinging in a more pleasing direction... until Gainesville. when the semi pulled out in front of me. whether the driver was inattentive, or flying on speed, or thinking about the blowjob he got in the men's room at the rest stop, i managed to avoid the crunch of metal by locking up the brakes... just missing an equally undesired excursion across railroad tracks.

yeah. this has been a shit week, so far.

that's why i decided to tempt fate further this afternoon with the "Holiday" shopping (get over it, Christian Soldiers), taking a stretch of road that i'd avoided since being flipped by a trucker, nearly ten years ago. all of the landmarks had been either paved-over or masked by unfamiliar shopping centers. there was no disguising that particular intersection, though. the pattern of the asphalt is still imprinted in my memory, my nose having been inches from it as i hung from the seatbelt, upside down.

those ghosts don't have power, any more.

i'm waiting for the pressure to lift... the ice to melt... the pendulum to swing... uninterrupted sleep, and the patience to hold on for things that i want, but can't have when i want them.

...and another day to make it better.

.