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in my recent return to solitude, and being forced indoors by this gawdawful incessant night, i thought i was doing myself a favor when i got a NetFlix account... you know, occupying my mind, digging into films that i'd never have dreamed when there were two of us here (unless it was kung fu or ghost stories), absorbing creativity. the Holidays screwed up my momentum, though. now, they were gathering dust on the coffee table. the randomness of my list was tilting the balance to black&white Kurosawa movies... and one thing i have learned about the eastern philiosophy of filmmaking, is it doesn't always end very happily. or "westerly", for that matter... meaning, transparent of plot. so, it was with apprehension when i finally slid Ikiru(To Live) in the dvd drawer, and made the two-and-a-half-hour commitment. since i wouldn't have listened to the english overdubs if was translated, my eyes were darting from subtitles-to-action-to-subtitles as usual, until the poignant conclusion. yes, true to form, it was no feel-good film... on the surface. but, the point of living your life instead of wasting it wasn't lost on me. earlier in the day, Yoko came back to the house (why "Yoko"? because her presence chased everyone else away). i thought that the only reason she returned was for me to fix the brakes on her car, and unravel her medical bills... but she came for most of the plants in the house, too. and, whether she suspected it or not, she came to discuss no-fault divorce, as well. i didn't expect her to notice the things that i'd worked on since she moved out, or how the house had changed. she's not a "noticer"... or, if she did, nor is she someone who would say anything about it. what i did not expect, though, was her reply when we were discussing how to get our legal house in order. when i told her how it pained me that things had deteriorated between us, but that i was glad that she seemed happy with her daughter and grandkids, she said, "no. not happy. i've just traded for a different Hell". that would have been a mental slap, not so long ago... equating our time together as "Hell". but it only made me feel a little sad... sad to know that it's impossible to make someone care about life, and the worth of it, if they don't want to. that sadness didn't increase, though, when i watched her greenery-laden car crunch down the gravel drive... because i can't follow that philosophy, or try to fix it, anymore. hmmm... maybe i need to start watching really stupid movies, for a while. |
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