19 August, 2005
i was alright, for a while...

i knew i was going to get slammed at one time or another. i just didn't know it would be so soon.

all day long, there'd been this uneasy unconnectedness, brewing somewhere in the pit of my stomach... affecting my eyesight... percolating to the back of my skull, making my usual forgetfulness a little more annoying, and frequent.

turning my back. standing aside. letting go. calling it a day. giving up the ghost.
whatever phrase you give to it, all meaning the same things:
over. alone. adrift.
awake. aware. unfettered. responsible.

accustoming myself to a different kind of silence, i went through the motions of scrubbing down some windows... cooking... eating... cleaning up... keeping some noise in the house to keep it alive.

earlier in the evening, i popped Down By Law into the dvd player for some distraction in black&white. entertained by it's quirkiness, comradery, exasperation. it did the job, making some time go by.
i'd been holding back on the last three episodes of Ghost In The Shell for the past few weeks. knowing that when the last notes of the theme music closed the series, that too, would be over. and done.
for some stupid reason, because of an animated cartoon, that's when it all came down. and probably won't be the last time, either.

there is still the dismantling to do, when she returns in ten days. denuding the house of the other half. probably, when the ghosts start appearing in the house again, i'll find that i can no longer live here, anymore... and it'll be time to step on unfamiliar ground.

just pondering it makes it overwhelming... so i won't dwell, much.

but the die is cast. for something else.

here goes.

.