01 January, 2005
it's all too much

surely i thought that my eyes would inflate and explode from my head, and that i'd wake in a soup of humours (not of the laughing kind) or other similarly disgusting secretions. instead, the sun was seeping through the south windows, warmth was coming through the wall instead of the heat registers, and i just... wanted... air.
not that i could really smell it, but the feel of unconfined morning air in my nostrils--it was like a promise.
not a bad way to springboard into another purported new scene.
it was a night of strange half-dreams, including a remembrance of a snowy afternoon when we went to pick up the cat from the shelter. there was an asphalt drive under the slushy layers, but the tire treads found no purchase. one more spinning drift to the left, next stop... ravine. thirty feet down. through scrub pines.
so, i drove back there in the afternoon to see if i'd recalled vividly enough. oh, yes. it would have been ugly. but it wasn't.
much like the past few days have been.
coincidentally, the sluggish return of health came with an unexpected jolt of inspiration... doing something other than wallowing on the futon for another day, eyes glazed from a cathode ray tube.
rather, i puttered with tools, old man-style. cleaned the shop room, uncovering forgotten weapons: airbrush. spray guns. metalworking hammers. things that had been hidden under strata of castoff projects, boxes, sealed doors. polishing, lubing, remembering purpose, readying.
after the sun set, hunger finally arrived after the two-day fast. for some reason, thoughts turned to my Thai stepmother, whom i haven't seen in years. and i learned to make satay... and how to make the house smell really good. even broke through to the tastebuds, if only a bit.
instead of drunkenness, which wouldn't have been as fun as it should be... (since the weight of the world has been taking the fun away), the year ticked over to the tune of CowboyBebop, cognac, and pictures of KawaseHasui to look forward to for the next 365.
and tomorrow is supposed to be warmer, yet. and, with luck, my eyes will open tomorrow, as well.

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