20 April, 2005
flesh and blood needs flesh and blood

the background colour of this page is sardonically appropriate for the channel my mind has been following, since before i first cracked an eyelid in the morning. and, Johnny Cash singing:

when the day was ended, i was still not satisfied.
i knew that everything i touched, would wither up and die.

is not helping in the slightest... though i'm hoping for the catharsis factor. y'know, wallow too deep in the black funk and you might pop back up again.

were it not for the healing power of the night, blues on the xm, and rolling tires with the windows down, i think i would have done irreparable damage to whatever "friends" or "acquaintances" remain among those with whom i work. of course, i've been trying to adhere to the old adage, "better to remain quiet, and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt". the boiling cloud over my head should be deterrent enough.

Bone-tired. facing medical procedures on Friday. an empty wallet. witnessing the newest surveillance system being installed here in the Gulag of G�tenberg. more co-workers hitting the exits.

god damn it, i'm tired of bitching. an exit from the madness... that's what i crave.

there was a point, when i was at the highest point of the overpass on my way in, when this most fucked up question popped up:
what if... from now on, this is as good as it's ever going to get? the best days... over? sickness, atrophy, loss, insignificance, all that's left on the agenda?

now, that self-indulgence is just what i've been fighting in my own relationship. the dark side... it attempts to claim me.

not if i have any sway over my destiny.

motherfucker.
what ska "t" needs is some color

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