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I'm one of those people with a high boiling point. Heap on the crap, and I'll take it... for a while. When you reach the point of no return... shit hits the fan. Royally. Like the earlier entry suggested, things didn't begin well in the morning... an understatement. All I wanted to know is if the sun was out. When I peeked out from the cave of covers, this woman that I married was leaning against the wall in the hallway... only the silhouette of her profile in the hallway was visible. Again, I asked the wrong question, as in "what's wrong?" Going separate directions. I have no respect for family. My friends are all that I care about. I only look out for myself. I am of no help to her. I had been conscious no longer than three minutes, by this time. In her eyesight for most of the past four days. No outside contact from anyone, except for my mom. They don't want to be here, either. More and more, it's like prison. Worse, I'm having to resort to drugs to live with it. This is just wrong. Bad enough that the sex withered and died a year before... when I was informed that she no longer had the desire (menopause or no, it was a a one-sided effort to begin with). Barely tolerable when the JW's were invited to the house every week for surreptitious prayer meetings. Worse, when she decided that being her grown daughter's confidant every other two-day weekend meant that I was supposed to be there, too... and every vacation would be spent at the same place, every year, where she and her children and whichever male she decided to string along for the week would be... ...which is where I drew the line. Sitting by myself while they girl-talked the weekend away about all of the men who wronged them. Too much elbow-rubbing with her ex-husband who could be there anytime. I look at this, printed on the SimpleText, and it disgusts me. This is only the distilled version... if I was obsessive enough, I could write an encyclopaedia... and look a complete fool. This was all tossing around my head like newspapers caught in a whirlwind in an alleyway... when I felt the heat rise in my neck. And I could be silent no longer. Ten minutes had never gone by so fast. Our voices raised, point-counterpoint... and then, she was gone. Taking all of the colors with her, except for the red... a recipe for total fury until I walked in the door at work. Slamming things. Throwing things. Cursing the day... the circumstances... this life. Every time I looked at the speedometer on the drive, I'd crossed over into the 70's. I dread this... what this has become... what I will turn into unless something changes for the better. And it'll have to be me that does the changing, since there seems to be no reasoning between us, until it's safe to blow off in the last ten minutes of the weekend and run away. Fuck. This. Read it quick, this entry won't last long. |
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